His Last Belief
by AnnCarter
Summary: "But I've seen a lot of the universe. I've seen fake gods and bad gods and demi-gods and would-be-gods, and out of all that whole pantheon, if I believe in one thing, just one thing, I believe in her!" What did the Doctor see behind his door in The God Complex (6X11)? Set in the end of the episode.


_All rights for Doctor Who are the BBC's and all that._

* * *

"It didn't want just me, so you must believe in some god or someone, or they'd have shown you the door too. So what do Time Lords pray to?"

He ignored her question, pretending he hasn't heard it at all. How did she know he believed in someone? How did she know he hasn't seen the way out when he was alone and left it behind in order to save them, his brilliant Ponds? How could she know he had his own door in that horrifying maze; his own belief that would have killed him had he not stopped the Minotaur?

"According to the in-flight recorder, the programme developed glitches. It got stuck on the same setting, the fears from the people before us weren't tidied away." He said, returning to the matrix they were in. Amy listened, but he could tell she knew he was avoiding her deliberately. It didn't matter, though; she didn't question him any further.

* * *

The only time he allowed himself to think again was when the TARDIS dematerialised, leaving Amy and Rory in front of the house behind him. It always amazed him how she knew how he felt even though she hadn't been through his life. She knew how hard it was for him to say goodbye, but gave him the chance to do so his own way, simply because she knew how painful it was for him. _Remarkable Amy Pond,_ He thought, smiling somewhat sadly. _At least I managed to save her._

There were too many names, too many people who died because of him. And then there were the ones who didn't die but he lost them anyway, usually because of his own mistakes. Donna and his meta-crisis self; Jamie and Zoe; Lorna Bucket; Katarina; even Captain Jack – he smiled sadly once again; Melody Pond; and the list went on and on, consisting of millions and billions of names.

He hated that list.

So he ran.

But sometimes, every now and then, he was forced back to this list again. It happened just before he regenerated, all alone, and right before he left Amelia to close the cracks in the universe. It happened after Melody poisoned him and he had to handle the TARDIS' interface. And it happened to him in that moment, when he looked into his room, smiled sadly and closed the door behind him.

Because on that list there was a name. The most important name he'd ever held in his heart and mind. He'd seen so much in his nine hundred years, but there was still only one person who managed to reach him that way; in a way no human or Time Lord could ever understand. The truth was even _he_ didn't completely understand it.

She was incredible. Absolutely amazing. Brilliant in so many more ways than she ever knew – even though he always tried to show her that when they travelled together. She'd always give him that smile, her eyes bright and her cheeks flushed, as if she could honestly believe she wasn't as brilliant as she was.

And then he did the stupidest thing he ever did and brought her to Torchwood with him.

And that was when he lost the only one he ever believed in.

Because even though it's been years since he defeated the creature who called himself Satan, every word he'd said to him back then remained just as true. He met so many creatures who tried to gain infinite power over the universe. Some of them tried changing the fabric of the universe itself; others just affected the living beings in it. Some even considered him to be a god and attempted to stop him. But they were all wrong.

Because even though in the final stages of the Time War the Time Lords considered themselves to be gods, and even though no Gallifreyan would ever admit having such belief in another person, the Doctor did the exact opposite. Even though his decision to destroy Gallifrey and the Daleks was the decision of a god-like creature, he hasn't seen himself that way. He never did.

But when Rose, his precious Rose Tyler, showed him how deal with his pain and his nightmares and the devil within him, he knew he found someone to believe in. Whether she saved him from the Nestene Consciousness or she saved him from himself, he knew she could do anything. She could tear the universe apart and she could pull it together. He saw it himself when she reached out for Donna to help her turn left. He saw it in her eyes whenever she smiled at him.

So even though she was still one of those he had lost, even though he knew he could never see her again, she was still the only one he believed in, and he knew she could always be the only one he believed in, too. And when he opened the door and saw her looking after him after he regenerated, when he collapsed in London in front of her Jackie and Mickey, he smiled sadly and closed the door, carefully leaving a 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the handle.

No one could ever disturb that memory. Not even his mind. Because deep down, the only thing that mattered was a young woman named Rose Tyler.

* * *

 _"But I've seen a lot of the universe. I've seen fake gods and bad gods and demi-gods and would-be-gods, and out of all that whole pantheon, if I believe in one thing, just one thing, I believe in her!"_


End file.
